On Solitude: Untitled (4)
“I honestly think you’re a wonderful girl.”
“Well, that ain’t no use. I still got dumped. Just like you.”
We laughed. He called me a fucking asshole so I laughed harder.
It took me a while to realise we’re all pretty messy in relationships. In front of the people we claim we love. The mess might come after your fourth, fifth or tenth relationships and when you think you’re old enough not to make a mess, you still do. Somehow all relationships involve liquid substances. Tears, water, sweat, alcohol, pussy juice or regular juice and cum, depending on the environment you’re in while arguing. She was waiting for him while he was busy knocking up his ex-girlfriend’s uterus. They got back together after begging just to make everything worse. He was taking antidepressants and sleeping pills row after row. He wanted a fling but she wanted more so she went to Venice by herself just to come across the high tides. I told you, it all involves liquids.
He sounded angry. He should be. He gave all he had yet it was still “not enough.” I never believe in that bullshit. People won’t love you when you’ve given everything; they love you only when they want to. The truth is you’re always going to be inadequate for some people, even the closest ones you have. It’s a pretty bad criterion to evaluate your life.
That’s when I started to feel life is pretty meaningless at some points. Because the world is full of people who don’t fucking know how to love themselves so they might as well jump around and fuck up others' hearts. It’s not their fault. No one teaches us how to love ourselves. We master the art of I-am-not-enough-so-are-these-people-around-me.
Yet humankind doesn’t just commit massive homicide and that’s because once we’ve experienced that feeling of being alive by understanding and being understood, loving and being loved, feeling and being seen by others; other shits seem smaller. And just that one tiny moment of feeling alive makes us believe there’s more to pursue in life. Isn’t it just beautiful? All we need to do is to create more of those tiny moments.
Until then, stay messy.
Written in 2020.02.03
