On Solitude：The Pillar of Society
A man started to follow me as soon as I went past him along the Ganga.
He asked me if I wanted a massage, a nice, relaxing, pleasurable massage. When you’ve been followed, thirty seconds is long enough for the next evolution of the humankind. I didn’t say a word as I was busy calculating the chance of being arrested if I punched him in the face. I kept walking. He kept following. Then I reckoned I shouldn’t punch him in the face unless he assaulted me first. His left shoulder brushed against my right side. He was taking up my space. I dodged him and went into another direction. Then he left.
The Indian girl asked me what do I do when men stare at me. I said I made sure they know I’m staring them as well. She was bothered by being looked at even as a local. We hang out together. Me, her and my host. My host is a young Indian man with long eyelashes. He’s relatively westernized and quite articulate and more like us, even though I don’t know what does that mean. He had his own theory about being stared at. He told me the longer those men stare at women, the weaker the society is.
“You see, women is a strong pillar in society. We cannot do things without women. Looking or look at something, let’s say ten seconds,”
I could tell by his face that a lot of thinking was going on.
“Even ten seconds is too long. Let’s say five. The first three seconds is for information, the colour, the shape, everything. Then the added seconds is, is about, how sexually attractive the male feels towards the female. The longer he feels, you know, and — ” He continued.
“And when a woman is out at night by herself then she’s a slut. My woman is good. She stays at home and all that stuff. But if this woman is here at night then she’s a slut. If she’s a slut, I can stare whatever the fuck I want and imaging me fucking her. If a man feels he needs to stare at women then the society is weak. He’s not respecting them.”
We were at night but we weren’t alone.
I didn’t respond as it made me wonder if he had done the same. So instead, I asked him how do you make your society stronger. Without hesitation, he gave me an assertive answer. “I take care of my brother, my father, my grandfather. All I need to do is to take care of my surroundings. I cannot change the world.” I didn’t say a word because sometimes he joked around too much that I needed a moment to take him seriously. And this time he made a good point.
I felt tired after discussing all of this. The more we felt like we need to talk about it, the more powerless I felt. So we switched to trivial topics. That kind of tiredness is, you no longer know how to fight as a woman. Stab them? Yeah sure, I thought there’s this thing called education that is meant to make everyone put down their weapons against each other.
The record sheet in the Ayurvedic hospital has a space for you to fill out your father’s name. I asked my beloved yoga instructor’s wife why. She gave me an understanding smile and said: “Darling, it’s India.” I was not supposed to reveal my shoulders or to wear short pants because “women dress properly here.” “Yes, I understand” I replied. Yes, I understand the feeling that someone else is busy deciding what you should and shouldn’t wear and how uncomfortable you want to feel tonight. And the best response women can get is “at least he didn’t rape you.” And we think that’s okay.
And we think that’s okay.
— First written in Jan 2020
