On September 27th, 2024

13:00

I googled “what constitutes rape.”

Rape is “the penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

13:30

I googled “what to do after being raped.”

Recovering from rape or sexual trauma

• Step 1: Open up about what happened to you
• Step 2: Cope with feelings of guilt and shame
• Step 3: Prepare for flashbacks and upsetting memories
• Step 4: Reconnect to your body and feelings
• Step 5: Stay connected
• Step 6: Nurture yourself

14:00

I googled “was I raped.”

• Remember — whatever the legal definition, if something sexual happened to you without your consent, that was sexual violence.
• You have the right to consent to one sexual activity and not consent to another. You also have the right to stop or change your mind at any point. Even if you have kissed someone, had sex with them, or taken part in any other sexual activity — it doesn’t mean that you consent to anything else.

I asked them to stop doing something and they ignored me
Sure, people get lost in the heat of the moment. But if you ask someone to stop doing something and they don’t, they’re violating your consent. You should never be forced to continue something just because your partner wants to. If they don’t respect your request, that can be considered rape or assault.

15:00

Every male gaze made me feel unsafe. I found it hard to engage. I found it hard to concentrate. I couldn’t think as clearly. I kept checking things twice or three times because I kept forgetting.

16:00

I told myself I should eat something. I should drink water. Even if I didn’t feel like it, so I mechanically shoved some Musaka into my mouth. I wasn’t sure if I was hungry.

17:00

Numbness.

18:00

I felt a kind of deep exhaustion in my body I’d never experienced before.

19:00

“What do you mean by he raped you?” “Were you drunk?” “Were you high?” “What happened?”

Now I fully understand why some women choose to be silent.

19:30

“You’re the kind of person I always thought you can take good care of yourself.” She said it more in a way of blaming herself for believing that with tears on her cheeks.

But the truth is I do take great care of myself. Perhaps better than a lot of people. I know how to keep myself safe but that doesn’t mean I can defend every single person out there.

20:00

“Let’s go to the swing? Do you like swing? Swing makes everything better.”

So we went to a playground and love looks like someone pushing you on the swing for what it felt like an eternity.

23:00

I tried to eat some pasta.

11:00

I took a very long hot shower and the only way to get through it is to get through it.

On September 27th, 2024, a man named Blagoy Yordanov sexually assaulted and raped me.

And I refuse to be silent about it.